Oh Baby!

My sister's labor of love - Welcome, beautiful little one!

Celebrity Siblings

Remember the movie Twins? Where I know Danny DeVito and Arnold Schwarzenegger don't really look alike, I've always thought that a few stars should play together - as siblings - Let me know if you can think of any others...

And yes - I know - this is a vapid post - but it's the end of the year... My sister is in labor in New Jersey - and honestly - this is what I've been thinking about - at least until the baby arrives.

1) Tom Cruise and Jason Schwartzman
2) Jude Law and Daniel Craig
3) Julia Stiles and Kirsten Dunst
4) Jason Bateman and Justine Bateman (just kidding - they don't actually look anything alike!)
5) Alexa Davalos and Angelina Jolie
6) Dana Delany and Sela Ward

Fall Bride

I haven't posted any wedding photos for awhile - and since I know you guys are DYING to see more, I aim to please... Enjoy!

Honey, Tell Me How You Really Feel

Dave this morning was watching highlights as the Baltimore Ravens beat the Dallas Cowboys in their last game in Texas Stadium...

Dave: Kelly, Baltimore beating Dallas is like a Christmas present to America!
Kelly: Tell me how you really feel...
Dave: They deserve to lose. Do you know how much Dallas ran the score up in the 60's? Geez! Freakin' North Korea's team! That's what Dallas is. In 1989, they were 1-15. It was beautiful! Beautiful!

Then he got up - and walked to the laundry room.

Dave: My favorite team is whoever plays Dallas.

Complicated... But I'll Tell You Anyway

Yesterday, my band went into the studio to record a new demo - very exciting, productive and fun. We cranked out three songs in about six hours - which if you think about it is not bad... Two hours per song - that's one hour of playing together, then one hour of adding vocals and mixing... Anyway, as the studio engineer was creating a stereo mix, we apparently had some options as to where things went... Note, Dave wasn't in the control room at the moment:

Studio Engineer: I'm going to put Dave's voice sixty percent to the right.
Kelly: Funny, Dave's really about sixty percent left...
Studio Engineer: Well, as we age, sixty percent left is pretty good!
Kelly: I was talking politics... What were you talking about?

The Exception to "A Rose By Any Other Name..."

Okay, Walmart… I’m going to do something I’ve never, ever done before – and don’t plan on doing again… I think I’m going to defend you… Last week, you made a “Happy Birthday Adolph Hitler” cake for a kid’s party. The kid is named Adolph Hitler Campbell.

Now, the world media is down on Wal-Mart for doing it…

Back up. I don’t think Wal-Mart is to blame… I think this is a very serious parenting issue going on here… And I think it’s sad that this cute little boy has to pay:

1) What group of kids isn’t going to make fun of this child?
2) What group of adults aren’t going to make assumptions about this child’s morality?
3) Will this child really have to wait till he’s eighteen to change his name to something more suitable for an American child... I don't care if it's a German name - just not THAT German name. Hans would be great, for example.

It’s not Wal-Mart’s job to dictate morality – it’s their job to decorate cakes to make kids’ birthday’s happier… It’s a parent’s job to set the kid up in life – in a way that the child will be as successful as that child could possibly be. They’ve clearly failed – already.

Now, this kid won’t be able to have a normal school experience. Who wants to go to the Prom with Adolph Hitler? Who wants to give Adolph Hitler a passing grade? Who’s going to yell “Red Rover, Red Rover, let Adolph Hitler come over?” Who’s writing Valentines to Adolph Hitler? When these kids talk about World War II, who’s NOT throwing spitballs at Adolph Hitler? Who’s going to develop a crush on Adolph Hitler? Who will want to grant Adolph Hitler a credit card? Who’s hiring Adolph Hitler?

It’s unfair that this child will never be able to introduce himself to anyone without getting a double take.

What’s so painfully missing in these news stories I’m seeing is some kind of public outcry about parents who would be so cruel to their child. Sheesh.

I grew up with a girl who’s little brother was always called Marty in the house. When Marty started school, his mother insisted that he be called Ted instead… Why? Because “Farty Marty” is way too tempting for a kindergartener.

This child deserves a birthday cake. It’s not his fault his parents are idiots.

In addition, this child needs a government bailout – one that will change his name for free… Even if that name change is Inspektor Pilot.

A Surprising Waste of Time

I'm neither condoning nor endorsing this, but I'm pretty shocked by the alacrity it took some bleary-eyed and bitter programmer to get this on the web... Ay Caramba.

What's My Line?

Yesterday, I was in line at a store. I didn't have a huge purchase, and I ran out on my lunch hour... About 4 people stood in line - and clearly, the lady at bat was having some trouble. The cashier was an older lady, in her 70's, and she was bent over, on the phone, as if she were trying to converse at Beaver Stadium during a bad ref call...

"No. The last number is FOUR. As in ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR... F-O-U-R. Hour - with - an - F-as-in-FRANK...."

Then she did something I've never seen before... She handed the phone and the credit card to the customer. The customer looked more annoyed every second, as did the three in line behind her.

What gets me is that this is CHRISTMAS... The giving of gifts is supposed to be a joyous occasion - one filled with fun, and thoughtfulness and all those good things. Every year, I see lines of people getting angrier and angrier... It might be one thing if the cashier was some kind of moron - but that was clearly not the case... I decided action was the best policy...

I leaned toward the lady in front of me in line and whispered loudly, "I'd give a dollar to know what the heck the person on the other end of the line was saying!"

The whole company laughed... Within a moment, the customer on the phone with the credit card issue handed the receiver back to the cashier, who tried again to make heads or tails of the lady on the other end. In a second, she looked surprised and hung up.

"She hung up and said I had to call back on a better connection..."

The lady at the front of the line explained that she hadn't used the card in a year, so the department store deactivated it.

"Merry Christmas!" I said happily!

Everyone laughed, the lady pulled another card and said, "Use my VISA, please..." And we all got out of there - hopefully a little less miserable...

NOTE: This wasn't my favorite tension-breaking moment... That was reserved for a frenzied postal clerk. I was next in a line full of about ten people, all with huge packages to send... The woman in front of me had a giant ziplock full of pennies, and was taking her sweet time counting...

"This is all I have, except for a twenty."

"I can't make change for a twenty," the postal clerk apologized.

So the change counting continued. Remember Mr. Owl and the Tootsie Pop commercial? Her couting reminded me of him - and beyond... "One. Ta-two-hoo... Threee.... on and on and on...

The entire line was so antsy, and annoyed, I just couldn't help myself. When my turn finally came, I set my package on the desk, looked the clerk in the eye, and said, "Do you have change for a twenty?"

He looked like he was about to explode... His ears actually turned red.

"I'm just kidding!"

Thankfully, he laughed. He could have gone postal.

Thanks CNN, I Needed That

This morning, Kiran Chetry announced the following on CNN, sometime just after 6 AM. "You may be surprised, but (something like 70%) of women, if faced with either two weeks without sex or two weeks without the internet, believed they'd rather have the internet... While only 30% of men said the same."

I looked at Dave: Honey, would you rather have 2 weeks with sex or two weeks with the internet?"

Dave: It's an unfair question, Kelly. There's not that much on the internet I'm interested in."

And then? Dave couldn't understand why I gave him the hairy eyeball.

Beast of Burden

I was having a Christmas moment the other night. I'd just been shopping for Yankee Auction gifts for my husband's side of the family. We decided this year - that since there are no little kids floating around any more, that it might make Christmas a little more fun to spice it up with a $20 nutty gift - that well, maybe Uncle Timmy might like... AND - since the kids on Dave's side of the family are getting older, at some point, they can just join us - and our exploding cigars, whoopie cushions, and cans of snakes at the grown up's table.

Anyway, I was kind of excited. I found two cool gifts for the gift exchange - (In case you don't know about the Yankee Auctions, they work like this. Everyone gets a number - the first number chooses a gift and unwraps it. The second number either steals the gift or opens a new one. The game continues until everyone steals whatever it is the cool gift might be - and well, someone ends up with it. I'm hoping Dave's family likes the useful yet unconventional gifts I've chosen. Dave thought they were cool - I can't say what I bought - some of them read this blog - but I can tell you, they're recycled... The gift that, for 20$ or so - keeps on giving.

I like this idea because not only does it inject a little life into the party - but it gives some insight as to what my new(ish) family thinks - and what my brother in law, Tim (who dressed as a convincing Uncle Fester this Halloween - even after his kids are grown up) might come up with... and if I'll ever end up with a remote control helicopter (something I'm dying to own, yet am way too grown up and cheap to purchase for myself). I also like the idea because it sort of returns that sense of wonder we all had as kids - that anticipation of Christmas morning - when the best gifts (the ones tucked into our imaginations) - are - if only for a moment - definitely in those boxes under the tree... I have to say - I'm kind of giddy with the excitement of it - even though I realize I"m probably coming home with a pair of wool socks. I promise I'll like them - but secretly, I'm still holding out for the RC Helicopter.

I was wondering if my side of the family would like to participate as well... so I suggested it to my mother, who likes all of my ideas. She was in. Then it happened...

The thing that ruined my festive Christmas Spirit. My sister called. My sister, savior of the planet, pseudo-vegetarian, Band-wagon hopper... She's got a really good heart - but I have to say on this night - when I was already planning on wrapping up something grand and unexpected for my family - kind of stuck a needle into my holiday spirit...

"Hey Kell! I know what we can do for Christmas this year!"

"Yankee Auction?" I queried.

"No! Let's all donate money and buy a water buffalo for a needy family in an Asian Country!!!!"

"Um."

"Isn't it a great idea?"

"UM. I was really thinking about the Yankee Auction. It'll be fun."

"Who needs more stuff? I have absolutely no need for more stuff. We should all buy the water buffalo."

"Um."

"I already talked to Dan and Karen - They're in - and I'll talk to Jill - I'm sure she'll be in. You and Dave are in, right?"

"So what does the family do with the water buffalo? Do they eat it?"

"No, silly! It's a beast of burden! You're in right?"

Now. Let's be honest here. Totally honest. My holiday spirit fell like a cold frozen turkey at the supermarket after it's been picked up by a three year old who couldn't hold it any longer. I wasn't interested in any water buffalo - because I was really into having some fun with my family...

Then it happened.

My sister became my personal beast of burden.... because in my mind, the family in Asia who needed some water buffalo to carry agricultural goods to market were starring at me... All seventeen of them, including the baby. And they all looked at me as if I was their only hope for a water buffalo. Then the water buffalo rode by on a train in the distance yelling "Hey! This is my stop! That's my family!"

Freakin' Freak.

So I got railroaded - not only by my sister - but the family I don't even know - and now the water buffalo is on my case. Then I felt guilty for wanting to Yankee Auction with my family at all... So long story short, I'm trading in my perfect holiday moment of anticipation. I'm trading in my RC helicopter - and a family is getting a water buffalo.

I know that as soon as I write the check, and the train stops - and the water buffalo meets the family, my personal beast of burden will leave me - pat me on the head and tell me I've done the right thing... and I know it's true - Christmas is a time for giving... and I can't be bitter... so I have but one choice.

I must buy the RC Helicopter - bring it with me on Christmas - and let everyone take turns flying it. Then it'll be a different kind of fun - but fun nonetheless.

Retention Payments

A Rose by any other name would smell as sweet...

(sigh)

Kellincatty's List of Phrases that Really Tick Me Off

1) Don't Worry About It
2) Needless to Say
3) No, That Won't Work....
4) Hello. (as opposed to "Hello!")
5) I Know You're Busy But....

And you guys?

EdgyEbby

I'm beginning to think my dog has a little attitude to him. Today, during morning walk, he got taunted by the Chocolate Lab who lives two doors down... It's a morning ritual. The Lab is fenced in the back yard. He waits for Eb to walk by and barks at him...

For the most part, Eb usually just runs along the fence barking and then keeps going with no incident... Today, however, I don't know what got into him...

He stood two feet from the Lab's fence, turned his back on him, and pooped.

I swear he did it as an insult.

An Open Letter to the Police Officer Who Hit My Car Window Last Night (OR "Not-So-Peaceful Demonstration on Martin Luther King Boulevard")

Dear Officer,

Last night, I drove past an accident site on Martin Luther King Boulevard. I felt badly for those involved. Because it was dark, I couldn’t tell if anyone was hurt – and could see that your department was on hand, directing traffic and being helpful. You guys were doing a great job in keeping things moving.

That is – Until I came to the second traffic stop. Your police car was blocking oncoming traffic… Behind it, you stood directing traffic – stopping one lane to let the other go – then stopping the other lane to let MY lane go. Seemed pretty cut and dry…

That is – Until you let the car in front of me go – and wanted to stop my car. You did something with your hands, but because your police car was shooting blue light all over and sort of blinding my eyes to your unlit hands, because my windows were shut, and I was listening to Christmas music, I could neither see your hands nor hear you… And yes – I should have opened my window - and should have stuck my head out that window to indicate that I was having an issue understanding my instructions… but I didn’t.

What I did – was inch along, thinking the guy in front of me went, so I was supposed to go too…

That’s when you stormed up to my driver’s side window– and hit it with your blunt-force gloved hand. You hit my car window quite hard, sir – and it was kind of jarring. I unrolled my window to hear you yelling how you said stop – and stop means stop.

I told you that I couldn’t see you because of your car lights - and how they were very bright – and your black, unlit gloves were not seeable… You screamed that this is how people get hurt.

I can see your point… but I’m still angry that you felt that even with my explanation – you continued to yell – not considering that maybe I had a point as well – that I’m not that dumbass who directly defies authority by ignoring his traffic signals issued directly from your authority… It was just that I couldn’t SEE them… And perhaps I’m not the only one… And that this is another way that people get hurt.

Then you yelled at me that I should get out… I have to tell you – that my anger at this point was boiling… and it was only out of respect for your position as police officer that I shut up, shut my window, and left the scene of the accident.

I believe that as a person with a squeaky clean traffic record and non-existent rap sheet, I deserve a little respect too. When I called your supervisor today, I fully admitted I could have done things differently – but felt neither served nor protected by a cop slamming his hand into my window… and screaming at me for something that was very much a misunderstanding. He said he’d talk to you about it. I said to be sure to tell you I’m sorry I pissed you off… but really – I’m somewhat concerned that you had no illumination on your body – no understanding of how soundproof my car was… Honest.

Sincerely,

Kellincatty.