How Do I Know Thee? Let Me Count The Ways

Today at work, I got an e-mail from Dave. The subject said "Jeez," and the only thing in the message was a YouTube link.

I said to my co-worker, sitting next to me, "Oh man! Everytime I get an e-mail from Dave with no explanation it's gross..."

I clicked on the link.

"It's gonna be gross," I repeated.

Sure enough, up pops the title "Madden Draws a Penis" - And if you're curious, here's the link.

Do I know my husband or what???!!! (BTW - the clip is inocuous... no worries)

Interfaith Dialogues

Republican Showwoman Ann Coulter appeared on Donny Deutsch's "The Big Idea" the other day - I hate to summarize then I can just show you the transcript, so I'll post a little bit of the conversation. Remember. She was there to talk about her book about politics, but the conversation wandered here. We join the conversation mid-stream:

DEUTSCH: That isn't what I said, but you said... we should just throw Judaism away and we should all be Christians, then, or

COULTER: Yeah.

DEUTSCH: Really?....

COULTER: Yes.

DEUTSCH: You can't possibly — you're too educated, you can't —

COULTER: Do you know what Christianity is? We believe your religion, but you have to obey.

DEUTSCH: No, no, no, but I mean —

COULTER: We have the fast-track program.

DEUTSCH: Why don't I put you with the head of Iran? I mean, come on. You can't believe that.

COULTER: The head of Iran is not a Christian.

DEUTSCH: No, but in fact, "Let's wipe Israel" —

COULTER: I don't know if you've been paying attention.

DEUTSCH: "Let's wipe Israel off the earth." I mean, what, no Jews?

COULTER: No, we think — we just want Jews to be perfected, as they say.

DEUTSCH: Wow, you didn't really say that, did you?

I don't know much about Ann - I just figured she was another republican in the "shockJock" vein of Rush Limbaugh... but this kind of rhetoric and thought process confounds me. One, the New testament clearly states that Christians are saved by grace and not their own works. Two, it's rude. Three, it's ridiculous.

The other day, Trixie and I had an e-mail conversation that should teach Ms. Coulter a thing or two about interfaith dialogue. It began after I photographed a Bar Mitzvah. Being Gentile, I never had a bat mitzvah - so I thought I'd ask Trix, who converted to Judaism later in life, if she felt cheated:

Kell: Ever stop to think, "Hey. I never got a Bat Mitzvah?" I'm thinking it now - because I looked here (and shouldn't have):

Trix: Holy Ark of the Covenent! Thems some baaad invitations, no doubt. My kids will be lucky to have soda and pop corn at their BMs. Ha! Now blow outs like this! Why were you even looking at this stuff?????/?

Kell: It was some link from a design site - and then I got carried away thinking, "Why don't protestants ever get the good parties?" The Catholics have First Communion - and I never got a bat mitzvah because I'm not Jewish - and you made a change too late for a bat mitzvah, so I thought I'd talk to you about it.

Maybe one day, when we meet, we can throw ourselves a bat mitzvah. I'll learn some Hebrew to mark the occasion.

Trix: You can have Dave play us some tunes! On the flip side, all the Jews think the evangelical Christians are lucky because they get their own radio stations and lots of cool Jesus music. Our music doesn't rock. Why didn't we get Amy Grant?

Maybe Dave and you could convert and start a Jewish rock band?

(Oh yes, I am full of ideas tonight!)

Kell: Oh that made me laugh! I never thought about how lucky I am to be able to flip to a radio station that plays Amy Grant!!!!!

Occasionally - just for a few people, I leave phone messages as my altar-ego (no misspelling there!) Margie Finkelstein... I don't give Margie much forethought - she just sort of ... emanates while I'm leaving messages. At one point, she converted (much to my surprise) and sang "Gloria Nobis Pacem" to the tune of Hava Nagila... She's also sung her favorite song (badly might I add. Kell is the singer, Margie is not) - "I Will Always Love You" to my friend John... It's weird maybe, but sort of fun. It's hard to pinpoint what she'll say next....

BTW, Amy Grant's "Baby Baby" Was neither cool NOR Jesus Music....

TRIX: Yes there are many things that Jews wish they had....we'd like to borrow the whole Sunday religious event instead of having services on Friday Night (Shabbat), Saturday for 4 hours straight, and then religious school on Sunday... which we actually call..."Sunday School" Our weekends are a 72 hours of religion as opposed to 24 hours. We'd like to take the express bus please.

Also we don't have any faith. Yep. Jews have a religion - but no faith. We have common sense and free will. We also don't have an afterlife. No kidding. You die. We move on. Very matter of fact. The closest with get to angels would be the Kabbalah (mysticism) which apparently rock stars and actors equate with "real" Judaism....which is like calling a spiritualist..a Christian. Not at all the same thing.

FYI: Margie is welcome at the Naming Ceremony/Bris for our child. She can mingle and utter lots of Yiddish phrases. Of course Dave will have to wear a beanie and look suitably cowed....as I don't see Margie being overly delicate and wallflower-ish.

Kell: Oh! Here's another thing: We both had our own summer camps... However, when I was in high school, there weren’t many Jews – so they just took their holidays off – and we were stuck at school (now, everyone in my old HS gets those days off) – It never seemed fair that the few Jewish students in my school got both THEIR holidays AND MINE!

TRIX: Vastly amusing although we never got the Jewish holidays off.

Christians could celebrate both holidays you know (there's actually several sects that do this) but Jews can NEVER celebrate Christian holidays. Christians have the potential of being all-inclusive whereas Jews absolutely draw the line at Jesus being anything other than a very good Rabbi.

Kell: That's true - one of the ministers at my church once gave a sermon that went into Christianity's deep Jewish Roots - and said we have a lot more in common than we think... I'll have to see if I can track his notes down.

TRIX:
Oh yeah. And you have Mel Gibson. And lots of holiday movies! When was the last time you saw a movie about Purim?

Kell: I don't have Mel. Mel is pre-vatican2 Catholic... He built his own church so he could hear mass in Latin.... I've been taught that when a person is such an "independent thinker," he is setting himself up to be a cult of personality. Now, I know this is extreme - and I'm not accusing Mel of anything at all - it's just that when you have your own church that doesn't ascribe to the universal church, where's your accountability?

I could be a little jealous of the Catholics too... They have first communion - and presents (like the Bat Mitzvah I never had...)

Trix: Oh with their mini-wedding dresses! and veils! They get bracelets. And it is way earlier than a BMitzvah. What about the Latinos with their celebrations at 14 or is it 15? *sigh* They get to wear fabulous dresses. A BMitzvah is turning more rock party than prom. I like prom dresses better than nightclub clothes. And Greek Orthodox? WOW. Have you been to one of their events? Amazing.

Kell: Nope. Now, I do get Easter. Easter is nice.

Trix: Easter. Ah the holy spirit! I can't get behind the Father, Son and Holy Ghost. Jews would be more likely to say Mother, Daughter, and Macys. We're a maternal religion not paternal. It actually passes through the mother. A child born to a Jewish Father and other mother must be converted. Paternalism is passe.



Now see? Was that so bad? Trixie and I are not going to come to terms with Paternalism, Jesus - or the Kabbalah - but at least we can talk about it...

I guess this is my way of saying, Donny Deutsch? I'm really sorry you had to be so nice to Ann Coulter - and I'd like to further note that you're far more perfected than I...

Honeymooning in Halifax

We just got back from our delayed honeymoon. We left last week for Halifax. It's a city I've been to before - but Dave hadn't - and it's lovely. To summarize, we had a great time - I ate so much fish that my mercury level is likely near killing me (but I don't regret a moment of it...). We decided before going that we weren't going to do much in the way of scheduling. I had a few ideas about what would be good to do - I thought Dave should see the city's keystone military installation (he digs that stuff) - and he wanted to drive to the coast - so that's what we did...

The first day we drove up St. Margaret's harbor to Peggy's Cove - it's touristy - but for good reason. It has a lighthouse that's now a post office, and these rocky cliffs that are amazing... In all, a really good time.
- Here, I've trapped Dave in a real Lobster trap that we found lying around. Apparently, only 40 people actually live in the cove - and apparently there is some lobster stuff going on, but mostly, it was just picturesque and lovely.

I'm pleased at the photos - because a cruise ship had dropped off busloads of people into the cove - so it was crowded when we were there - but we managed to finagle ourselves around anyway...





After we'd seen what we wanted at Peggy's Cove, we drove around St. Margaret's Bay - We found some lovely things - like this old relic. I love the shape and texture, but feared if I tried to bring it home, it wouldn't make it through customs - so I just took a few photos like this one:

Other cool things we did that day - involved trying to take our own photos of ourselves... As you can see, we did quite miserably - and since I was the one holding the camera - you can guess whose face got all of the lens!!!!
We finally managed this one - I think it's not too bad, all considering...
So one of the places we stopped - or more to the point, I made Dave stop - was this little jewellry (Canadian spelling, eh?) shop - run by this couple who made all their own wares. As I was paying for my copper and turquoise bracelets (that I allegedly bought for my sisters, but am going to keep because I like them so much), the owner and I got into a lovely conversation about the harbor. He told me all kinds of stories about the coves along the bay - like one that sounds like a fairy tale - and will be in the future... but not now, because this guy Max is still alive... And in true good story fashion, the tale begins with a sordid tryst between Max and a prostitute... He fell so madly in love with her that he promised if she married him, he'd build her a castle. She aquiesced - and good to his word, he indeed built the castle. It began as a shack that he just kept building onto - until now - it stands as a real live castle. The prostitute was then known as "Queenie."

The man at the jewelery story then said, "Well, Queenie died a few years ago. Max married her best friend - the woman who sold them all the antiques for their castle... and now the place has a new queen... one who got all her antiques back!"

He showed me where the castle was and how to get there - but I have no photos... sorry about that.

Before I left (by now, Dave had fallen asleep in the car), the man, cove by cove, told me of some things I could do. "Here, in Wolfville, is the absolute best food I've ever had anywhere in the whole world! It's off Highway 14, and it's called the Tempest... Like Shakespeare."

Now this got my attention. How is it possible to find the best food in the whole world? Is it by recommendation? It certainly isn't by watching Chef Ramsay on TV... so I ran to the car, and said, "Dave! We're going to eat at the best place in the WORLD!" He wasn't too enthusiastic about this, as one who was just awakened in the car, but sort of humored me. The bummer was - we couldn't find the place on the way home... And it left me wondering, "What makes the best food in the world so darn good?" I was infinitely curious, and more than a little sad when we couldn't find Wolfville...

My sadness didn't last too long - as we walked the harbor that evening - and it was lovely:


The next day we shopped downtown - without my camera... It was sort of liberating. Highlights include walking up this gargantuan hill - and stopping at a music store - so Dave could show me a Seagull Guitar - very nice - and Maybe someday I'll get one...
The next day we drove north to a previously unpremeditated town called Windsor. As it turns out, it is the birthplace of HOCKEY - so it's just one more place I can scratch off my list of "Hey, I'd never thought of going here, but cool..." The kookiest thing? on our way out of town, we saw a sign for ... hold your breath... Wait for it... WOLFVILLE - home of the best restaurant in the WORLD!!!! - here it is - and I can attest, it's lovely and very good:

As it turns out, Wolfville is a nice town, complete with its own curling team and music store....:
.

I have to mention - that while in Windsor, the birthplace of hockey, we discovered the greatest little music store, where we purchased a rock'nroll ukelele (yes... a uke) - that I will later post photos of... We couldn't help it. The guy was so enthused about the instrument that he threw in a chord book for free, and asked me all sorts of questions about what it's like living so close to the Martin Guitar factory... What a hoot.

On our last day, we went to the Citadel, where Dave experienced his Harrowning History of Halifax Heaven. Here are the photos. If you want to know about the history of the fort, you should really ask him - he's the expert.

Things I Don't Hate

Sass inspired this list: "Thangs I Don't Hate." She just posted about the same topic - and I started this list on her comment page - but thought I should share with the rest of you... It's therapeutic. I've been very fussy (and more than a little mouthy lately) - so a cheer factor is in order... (Among "crabbykellincatty" topics: a co-worker got fired today - one I care about, I've been doing too much freelance work lately - and where I can't complain about the money, I'm in need of a day off...)

Ok. On to the list. Thangs I don't hate:

Leaving work at the end of the day
chocolate and raspberries
my new Cole Haan Shoes - decadent, but it makes leaving work at the end of the day even more pleasant
the prospect of "I can get a maid any time I want!"
new socks
purple
Being an aunt, daughter, wife and step-mom
Waking up without the alarm on
foot rubs
barbecue sauce
puppy smell
photos of Knut at the Berlin Zoo
Vanity Fair
New York City
Errol Morris
Girls' Night out - even when the play sucks.
Spending evenings with Dave
horses - horseback riding - and even the smells of the barn
the woods
The Red Wolf Tavern
The smell of the fall
Sweatshirt weather.
My new Italian shirt, sent to me by friends who went to Italy

That's pretty good for now - there's more - but I've sufficiently cheered myself up. G'nite!

There's the Truth - And Then There's The REAL Truth

Yesterday, my boss asked me to write bios on key people at my company who will be involved in an upcoming job… I am, apparently, one of those key people. Do you realize how difficult it is to write a bio on yourself? I mean, my cousin is an artist – and for her last gallery show, she bought me dinner so I would write HER bio.

The truth is – words are tricky things – and where sticks and stones can break bones, words can make or break YOU… There’s that whole world out there of perception – what I am in my head isn’t necessarily what others see in me (for example, did you know I’m an Ugly Betty JUNKIE? One who actually got teary several times during the season premiere? One who got mocked by her husband for getting teary at the season premiere?)

Anyway, as the writer at my company, I had to suck it up and write my own bio… But what to say? I actually scrawled a quick one out as a joke (or maybe even a warmup) and sent it to my co-worker, Wayne. He’s my confidante at work – so I knew he’d tell me the truth. Here’s what I wrote:

“Kelly began her career as a talk show producer in 1991, and claims the need of producing every single aspect of her life –and all those around her. She’s a huge pain in the tuchus, yet a brilliant writer – currently the star of her own reality show, “Thirty Six and Still Useless!” While not at work, Kelly can be found photographing grooms with guns, and singing with her band of the same name.”

Wayne thought this was a very good start – yet upon further thought, If I’m at all interested in the truth, my bio would read more like this:

“Professionally, Kelly will listen to you – and try hard to do what you want – while maintaining an element of what you need… Constantly spilling things on herself, Kelly can usually be found in black. She would like you to note that she’s not morose or goth, realizes that Stacey and Clinton would scream at her – yet still contends that black is better than large coffee stain on her favorite purple shirt. When you meet Kelly, you will notice an off-kilter sense of humor… It comes from being the only female member of her band, The Perks. Call it a study in the male psyche, but Kelly believes it’s a lesson in tolerance. During practice, she can frequently be found with her hands over her hears yelling “Vaginavaginavagina!” at the top of her voluptuous lungs while her band is reveling in their gross man-jokes.”

Alas, I realize that I can’t say this professionally, so this is what I actually came up with. Let me know what you think!

“Kelly began her career in 1991 as a talk show producer. Since then, she has honed her production skills on all levels – local, national, and international. Her work has been seen everywhere from Broadcast television to international AIDS conferences – all the way to the Wal-Mart Bargain bin, where a cooking show she edited in the ‘90’s is rumored to be available for $1.99! She thoroughly enjoys her long-term relationships with her clients, who teach her all sorts of things about industrial hygiene, pandemic awareness, diesel engines, fighter pilots, endotherapy and crime victim advocacy.”