There's the Truth - And Then There's The REAL Truth

Yesterday, my boss asked me to write bios on key people at my company who will be involved in an upcoming job… I am, apparently, one of those key people. Do you realize how difficult it is to write a bio on yourself? I mean, my cousin is an artist – and for her last gallery show, she bought me dinner so I would write HER bio.

The truth is – words are tricky things – and where sticks and stones can break bones, words can make or break YOU… There’s that whole world out there of perception – what I am in my head isn’t necessarily what others see in me (for example, did you know I’m an Ugly Betty JUNKIE? One who actually got teary several times during the season premiere? One who got mocked by her husband for getting teary at the season premiere?)

Anyway, as the writer at my company, I had to suck it up and write my own bio… But what to say? I actually scrawled a quick one out as a joke (or maybe even a warmup) and sent it to my co-worker, Wayne. He’s my confidante at work – so I knew he’d tell me the truth. Here’s what I wrote:

“Kelly began her career as a talk show producer in 1991, and claims the need of producing every single aspect of her life –and all those around her. She’s a huge pain in the tuchus, yet a brilliant writer – currently the star of her own reality show, “Thirty Six and Still Useless!” While not at work, Kelly can be found photographing grooms with guns, and singing with her band of the same name.”

Wayne thought this was a very good start – yet upon further thought, If I’m at all interested in the truth, my bio would read more like this:

“Professionally, Kelly will listen to you – and try hard to do what you want – while maintaining an element of what you need… Constantly spilling things on herself, Kelly can usually be found in black. She would like you to note that she’s not morose or goth, realizes that Stacey and Clinton would scream at her – yet still contends that black is better than large coffee stain on her favorite purple shirt. When you meet Kelly, you will notice an off-kilter sense of humor… It comes from being the only female member of her band, The Perks. Call it a study in the male psyche, but Kelly believes it’s a lesson in tolerance. During practice, she can frequently be found with her hands over her hears yelling “Vaginavaginavagina!” at the top of her voluptuous lungs while her band is reveling in their gross man-jokes.”

Alas, I realize that I can’t say this professionally, so this is what I actually came up with. Let me know what you think!

“Kelly began her career in 1991 as a talk show producer. Since then, she has honed her production skills on all levels – local, national, and international. Her work has been seen everywhere from Broadcast television to international AIDS conferences – all the way to the Wal-Mart Bargain bin, where a cooking show she edited in the ‘90’s is rumored to be available for $1.99! She thoroughly enjoys her long-term relationships with her clients, who teach her all sorts of things about industrial hygiene, pandemic awareness, diesel engines, fighter pilots, endotherapy and crime victim advocacy.”