Who's Worth Saving?

I heard this joke on NPR the other day: A man walks up to a bar. He asks the person next to an empty barstool, "Excuse me. Is this seat saved?" The person seated answered, "No, but I'm praying for it..."

Ok. This post isn't really about saving souls - at least not in the evangelistic sense - this is more about protection. Lately, I've been trying to save a lot of people... As you may have read in yesterday's post - I interfered in my sister's marriage. I don't limit this habit of mine to family. I'll save anyone. Once, I suddenly stopped my car because an old woman dropped something on a snowy sidewalk. I rolled down my window to tell her so - and in her haste to listen to what I had to say, she wiped out on some ice.... No kidding. I frequently search the internet, on my boyfriend's behalf - for cures for smoking... I've poured over WebMD - looking for new hope for my nephew's condition... I've given more than a couple copies of "The Boundary Book" as gifts... I'm a chronic fixer.

Lately, it's been personal... For instance, I'm in this band, right? Fran, my guitar player recently separated from his wife, and after a long marriage, is finally looking at other chicks. I've compiled a list: "Friends of Mine that Fran Can Date vs. Friends of Mine that Fran, Under NO Circumstances, Can Date..." It's not that I don't give Fran credit for making up his own mind... It's just that I think I'm being helpful... So far, he can ask three of my friends out... (So Audrey, if you're not busy next time you're not in PARAGUAY... I know this really great guy...)... and there is a short list of two - that if he ever even THINKS of asking out, I'll have to.... deal with severely.

My friend Carol (if you're asking yourself "I wonder if that's the Carol that I knew from...." The answer is yes.) is a strikingly beautiful woman.... who Fran cannot keep his eyes off of. She's a "NO." (Not for everyone - just for Fran... well, ok... I wouldn't recommend her to a lot of people, but hey. There's someone for everyone... right?) Anyway, Carol is kind of ... what's the word ... really inwardly focused... which too often makes conversation with her one sided...

Incidentally, Carol lately has "sworn off" the kind of man she's the most attracted to - the emotionally-unavailable-control-freak-type... But I'll get back to that in a minute.

So I invite Carol to last week's band jam. Fran immediately runs over to Carol. I keep giving him "Glazey-eyed" looks... He knows what I'm referring to - that half-hypnotized look he gets in his eyes every time he's been around her... He just laughed at me... and later confessed that yes, he realizes that no matter how good looking he is - he couldn't deal with spending an evening with her... (Excuse me, but is this friend SAVED?!!!)

Soon, Carol captures the attention of another one of the musicians at the jam... a man with a long-time, live-in girlfriend (I'm rolling my eyes even as I write). I make sure Carol knows he has a live-in girlfriend.... in case she was serious about the latest swear-off... I was hoping she'd get the hint that she should run like hell from this particular drink of water... But no. She's actually followed him outside..."just to talk, Kelly..." I resist the urge to run after her and yell, "Hey. He's the same man... different face... The EXACT same emotionally-unavailable-control-freak-of-a-man-that-you've-sworn-off-Remember???!!!" I didn't, however - I doubted it would've done any good.

A wise man once said that it's hard for a leopard to change its spots... but sometimes, if it's impotant, the leopard can stop being a leopard... So - it's not up to me, right? Carol has to save herself this time, right? I mean, Is my friend Carol SAVED???! Excuse me, does this unsaved girl want to be saved?

Thanksgiving Turkeys

I always giggle a little when hearing people's horror stories about eating Thanksgiving dinner with their families... My friend Bill calls it "Lock and Load..." Honestly, I love holidays with my family... This year, I was especially grateful... You see, about a week ago, I made a fatal error when calling my sister to wish her a happy birthday... She was upset because my brother in law went to a club - without her.... After talking her out of pouring cornflakes on his side of the bed, I thought I'd mosey on over to the club and "straighten things out..." Um. Why I thought this was an isolated incident is beyond me...

But. Hero that I am, I marched into the club... I told the bouncer I was there on family business and needed to find my brother-in-law... He asked, "Family Business?" I glared at him. He stepped aside. I marvelled at how easy that was. I found my b-i-l, and said, "Dude, I don't know what's going on, but maybe you should go home..."

I then got a good, solid, object lesson at why sisters-in-law should not butt into marital business... I learned much more about my sis' home life than I ever wanted to - and walked away - thinking.... "Wow. That was stupid." In the morning, I found two cell phone messages, both from my brother-in-law... One said "I'm going home. Are you happy?!" The next: "Kelly, if you didn't want to get involved with this, you shouldn't have come over..." click.

To make a long story short, I apologized to my harried brother for handling the situation the way I did... and we made up... In addition, so did my sister and brother-in-law... Which was great because we all had Thanksgiving to attend to... (Lost battle? Won war? Whatever... It worked out...) It was a lovely day - and I am grateful I have such a great family... I know. We have our ups and downs... but for the most part - we really don't mind being together.

I have a hard time hearing about those who have no where to go on the holidays... There are stories - but none so interesting as one that happened the Wednesday before Thanksgiving... this year. I was in my office, where the HVAC repair man was explaining the reason for an expensive repair... I hear my boss in the hall, saying "Great. Well Happy F***ing Thanksgiving to YOU." More low banter I can't hear.... Then my boss says "Whaddaya mean you're not going anywhere for Thanksgiving? Are you psychotic? (no, answered the repair guy) "Then you can come to my house for dinner," offered my boss... More banter... The repair man and my boss go into his office to fill in a work order... As he's leaving the building, I hear my boss say, "You're mediocre... but you're expensive..."

So. Happy F***ing Thanksgiving to all...