Birds, Bees, and Puppies

The other night, I was sitting around with some friends. The conversation skewed to birth and family (not necessarily in that order). Two at the table were married (not to each other). Two were not (see? Someone finally let me sneak away from the 'singles' table and sit with the marrieds.).

The two marrieds were telling delivery room stories. "I wouldn't let my wife have an epidural," said one. "I tried to go natural," said another. "But at the mere suggestion of epesiotomy, I got it..." And so, the stories flowed. Not having any kids of my own, I offered my "This is How Kell Learned About the Birds & The Bees" story:

When I was five, I was told my dog, Gladys, was pregnant. I didn't think she looked fat or anything, but I was thrilled to hear that puppies were on the way. As the due date drew near, I dreamed of little Gladdy's running around, entertaining me. I loved the idea that I'd have another animal - or twelve... and something soft to cuddle.

When the moment of truth arrived, my family gathered in the downstairs bedroom. "Kelly, the puppies are coming out soon!" exclaimed my mother. I couldn't wait. I had no idea, however, what she meant by 'coming out.' I began to search closets. I looked under the dresser. I stuck my head under the bed. "Where are the puppies?" I asked.

My mother had no idea that I didn't understand, so she just said, "soon!"

Gladys, in the meantime, panted on the blanket.

"What's wrong with Gladys?" I asked.

"She's in labor."

Then, something completely educational happened. As Gladys gave birth to puppies one through six, I finally understood.

And I was completely grossed out. Puppies were supposed to be dry and fuzzy. Not slimy - and oozy.

I was further mystified when my dog began licking the dogs clean - but at least I knew where they were coming out...

It was a big shocker.

After an hour or so, I found myself even further shocked, as for the first time, Gladys seemed to growl whenever I took a puppy. She'd slink over, take the tiny pup from me, and return to the others. I wasn't used to my dog growling at me.

She got used to my 'borrowing' Sam, or whatever we named the others, and I got used to the fact that babies come from mom's. I don't know why I didn't think of it before.