Writing Assignment 3, or I Hate The Misuse of Costumed Mascots

I know I've blogged about this before, but since I'm posting all of my writing assignments, here it is. For blog purists out there, I can say this is a neater, more concise version of the previous post... At least there's that.

Upcoming Topics:

Crabby John Gets Married
Santa Barbara Wedding (Not Crabby John's)
Further Installments of Band Gigs at Seasons Grille

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Recently, I attended a classy birthday party at an upscale restaurant. The host wore a silk Versace shirt and velvet blazer. The guests looked as if they were ready for a theater premiere. Danny, the guest of honor was ceremoniously presented with picture perfect gifts: the key to a new BMW Z4 M Roadster, a rare emerald-cut diamond ring, and a cake sheathed in edible gold leaf.

It was a perfect night.

Danny’s sister thought she’d surprise her brother with a big 'ol gift of her own, in the form of chicken-costumed singing telegram. The bird arrived, looking like it had scrabbled up the elevator shaft. The yellow costume was natty, matted, and saggy. It looked like it smelled. During the bird’s routine, no one moved, laughed, or responded. In short, the chicken’s presence proved nothing but fowl.

It’s not the first time I’ve seen costumed mascots perform inappropriately at inappropriate events. A singing gorilla-gram graced a recent wedding reception. It made penis hats out of balloons. It stripped down to a tasseled brassiere. I was specifically embarassed when, following the gorilla’s exit, the flower girl danced madly about in the penis hat.

If I’m not at Disneyworld, Chuck E. Cheese’s, or a major sporting event, spare me the costumed mascots. If for some reason, you simply have to have one, then a few rules should be observed:

1) Costumed mascots should only make appearances if the costume is high-end, good looking, and well maintained… When the costume is natty, fragmented, incomplete, smelly, torn, cracked, or dirty, it should be cleaned, repaired and reconsidered.

2) Costumed mascots should only appear if the material is appropriate for all ages present.

3) If a costumed mascot is required for some reason that feeds into some warped private joke – or a patriotic duty to feed into someone’s economy, limit the costumed mascot’s appearance house parties. Don’t subject your costumed mascot to an unintended audience (see rule 2). Other appropriate events include grand openings, children’s birthday parties, and of course, civic events like fairs…

4) Costumed mascoteers should be professional, energetic, and charming at all times. If you can’t support the humungous head of your costume, find another. If the tail is too long and must be carried, cut it off. If a child runs by and kicks you, do not retaliate.

The way I look at it, the artists and writers who slaved over drawings, storyboard meetings, script revisions, and cel after cel of animation work hard. Their creations should not be dishonored by cheap imitations, inappropriate banter, bad singing, or poor placement. If these characters were flesh and blood, their managers would never allow them to appear at the wrong place looking badly.

Stop the madness. Limit costumed mascots to their appropriate place, time and appearance.