The Pitfalls of Singlehood and Dating

This weekend posed some interesting and familiar scenarios. I'll start with Saturday Night.

I had my band over for dinner (minus Scott, whose family showed up later than he expected). I also invited a few other friends, Karen (friend who went to the same college as I; we didn't know each other in school, but met at an alumni event in Philadelphia years later.), my friend Naomi, HER friend Anne (who was there to see if she liked Fran or not... She didn't), and our friend and fellow musician, Don (who may be "famous" soon).

We had a great time. I had nine different microbrews, two kinds of chili, and one fabulous cake, shaped like a snowman. When we cut into it, we discovered it was about 60% buttercream frosting and %40 cake... Now that's a party!

Through the course of the evening, it was fun to watch Don and Anne talk. It wasn't flirty, but familiar. They behaved as if they were old friends who'd known each other for years. Hmmmm.

I leaned over to Dave and whispered, 'What do you think about Anne and Don?' He looked at me as if I were nuts and said, "I*Don't*Know!" However, Naomi DID know. After the party, Naomi called and said, "What do you think about Anne and Don?" I answered, "I know! I know!" Nay and I immediately nailed up our "Matchmaker" shingle ("The Single Shingle?!") and plotted our next gathering. I figured I'd e-mail Don on Monday.

On Sunday, I went to church. After the service, I found my single (and absolutely beautiful) friend Becky in near tears. I asked what happened. She explained that once again, some old coot from the congregation, thinking it was a compliment, said the following to her: "If I were thirty years younger, I'd scoop you up and fly away..." or something to that effect. I immediately knew what was wrong.

My church is a great place. Honest. What I'm about to say will make it sound horrible - but keep in mind that it's just one aspect of a place I spend a lot of time in, have amazing friends in, etc... The downfall is, it's a real "family" church. Most of the congregation is either married, engaged, or the children of married (and engaged) people. It's no place for singles. Really. Here are a few comments I've received over the years. I call this list the "Just Cause You're Saved Doesn't Mean You're Not a Jerk" List (Part IV):

Married Man: Kelly, If I were only single, I'd marry you!
Married Man 2: Kelly, I'm sorry I blew you off the other day. My wife said I wasn't allowed to talk to you."
Old Married Man: (after telling him he had a lovely wife) Yeah, she was something else thirty pounds ago.
'Nother Married Man: Kelly, You're so smart and so talented... Why aren't you married?
Single Man: I'll let you go ahead of me, Kelly, since you're a member of the weaker sex. (I'm not kidding. someone actually said that to me)
Single Man Who Stood Me Up: I'm through apologizing, Kelly. I'm free in Christ. (He's now free from me, too!)
Single Woman (who confused me with another Kelly in the congregation. That one has four kids): Oh, Maybe God will bless you someday with kids...

Stuff like this makes my eyes roll so far, I have to retrieve them in Manhattan... So I understand what Becky was going through. She said she needed some people to pray for her - so she found a married couple who'd been married since they were maybe like eleven... "God Give Becky the desires of her heart..." To heck with the desires of her heart... I prayed that she wouldn't take it personally - that she wouldn't feel like half a person, and she'd remember that her value as a human being wasn't tied up in someone else's Fairytale ending... Then I reminded her that she was absolutely not too picky. Then, I looked at her and said very seriously, "You need cake!" She came to my house and had lunch, sufficiently cheering her up with the buttercream remains of Frosty the Frosting Cake.

On Monday, I e-mailed Don. I told him, "No pressure, but if you like Anne, chances are good she'd have dinner with you. At the end of the day, after several e-mails, Don called me. He seemed so flattered and so excited that Anne thought well of him. I thought it was really cute, and pondered a future career in matchmaking (with an extremely limited and high-end clientele)...

Before I get any further, let me tell you about Anne. She's single, has a great career, has a great sense of style, she's funny, she's gracious, she drives a drool-inducing car, and is Doris Day beautiful.

Ok. Don asked me how I knew Anne. I explained that Naomi is a Personal Trainer and Anne was a client. Then Don ceased being cute: "Well, do you know what kind of shape she was in before she had personal training?"

Now, if Don looked like Robert Redford, I may have felt an iota better about what he just said... But he doesn't. He's fine looking - but unlike my beautiful friend Becky, I honestly don't think he has that kind of time.

Dave says I should cancel any more matchmaking plans between Don and Anne. I definitely won't set him up with Becky... If he can be that picky, so can she.

For some, being single and over thirty can be devastating - and to others, a ridiculous excuse to be over-vain. The real pitfall of singlehood and dating is that until we know the real story, it's hard to tell the difference between those who are beautiful on the inside and out - and those who may simply be okay looking on the outside.