Kelly In Catty

This blog is Kell's attempt to keep in touch with friends far away who complain that I don't e-mail nearly enough.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Lost in Translation

I was late for church this morning... Where my father taught me that "on time" means 30 minutes early, I just couldn't get it together. I was hesitant to leave the house (because Ebby is under the weather this week - which means for the last 2 days, I'm a carpet cleaner... a frequent carpet cleaner), but I had to deliver some food (my church does a weekly dinner for local homeless folks - and it was my turn to cook.) All this to say, I was carrying a crock pot full of meatballs, a few bags of bread and dessert, so I needed a parking spot somewhere close to the building. Because I was late, every spot was filled... which left me driving around the block for awhile... Which made me even more late.

This is a long explanation for why I needed a good laugh this AM. My church is located downtown - within a few miles of several colleges, small towns, and 3 medium sized cities. This means we have a culturally diverse mix of people. In addition, our church occasionally runs a joint service with a Latino congregation. When this happens, the speaker uses a translator.

Enter Mickey.

Mickey is a sassy Latina who I love... Particularly when she translates. If the pastor walks to the right, Mickey walks to the right. If the pastor does a deep knee bend, Mickey does a deep knee bend. If the pastor raises an arm, so does Mickey. She does this to deliver the same energy as her English-speaking partner in oration. I've seen a lot of translators - but to be honest, none of them put the same chutzpah into their work. Mickey is not only appreciated by her Latino audience, but has always been entertaining to me.

Today, a guest speaker named Francois visited my church. I've heard this guy before - and he's great - but I've never seen him work with a translator. I could tell he was having a good time when the following happened. (forgive my mostly-forgotten Spanish)

Francois: (said something about direction)
Mickey: (Translated algo acerca de la dirección)
Francois: It's like a GPS
Mickey: Es como una GPS
Francois: You know?
Mickey: Sabes?
Francois: There's something I've always wondered about GPS'
Mickey: Hay algo Siempre me he preguntado acerca de GPS'
Francois: Why do they all have a woman's voice? They're never a man's voice!

Saturday, February 14, 2009

eB My Valentine

Here's Ebby - Who got a kiss from another woman named Kelly this morning...

Friday, February 13, 2009


I've had the WORST sore throat over the past couple of days. I finally called my doc's office yesterday. Now, when I call the doctor's office, I have to talk to a nurse practitioner first. We talk about the symptoms, and the nurse then tells me whether to come in or now.

It used to make me angry when the nurse suggested I had a virus, and there was probably nothing she could do - so I should wait a few days. I mean... Seriously... How dare a non-doctor suggest that 1) she knows how I feel and 2) she knows what I have... On one occasion, when I was at my snottiest - both literally and figuratively, the nurse said it sounded viral... and there wouldn't be any point in coming in. I suggested that only a doctor and a sick person should make that call and I would appreciate it if she stopped playing doctor and made the appointment. As it turned out, I had a virus. There was nothing that could be done, and as a result of my arrogance, I wasted my time, my doc's time - and had to pay an unnecessary co-pay.

If I could go back and talk to that poor nurse, I'd apologize profusely.

Fast forward to yesterday - where you'll see, I treat the nurses more respectfully.

NURSE: Hello, Kelly. This is Joel. What's going on?
KELLY: I just want to know if I should come in or not - I have a sore throat - and was wondering what you've noticed floating around... and if it's just a virus - or something I need to be seen for.
NURSE: Kelly, there's a million things floating around. We shouldn't take any chances. It sounds like you might have strep... so when can you come in?

So I go in, thinking the worse - that I might have a virus that no one can do anything about... but lo and behold - I have pharyngitis... and have never felt more excited to be given antibiotics... (I have a gig tonight - and if I can possibly sing, I need to - it's a new place... The pay doesn't suck... blahblahblah). I told the doc that I was never so happy to have an infection in my life, and asked if he'd prescribe a Z-pack (a 5-dose antibiotic). He readily agreed, and I was in-and-out within about 15 minutes.

I left the doctor's office in such a good mood... Just with the anticipation of feeling better. (not to mention that I didn't embarrass myself by being rude to the nurse...) So Here's to a good gig tonight.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Adam Brodsky and President Dreamcicle

I got this email from Adam Brodsky, Philadelphia Folk singer. He's one quick-witted son of a so and so... who I believe still holds the record for fifty gigs in fifty states in fifty days.

Anyway, he sent this email that's too funny not to share. Happy Valentines' Day from Adam Brodsky... and me. Oh - and if you're not one for slightly coarse language, you have my permission to simply move to another blog.

Saturday, February 14th, 2009 8:00
Philadelphia, PA
An Evening of Love Songs
Beautiful Mount Airy
Mt. Airy, Philadelphia, is alls ya get fer now Philadelphia, PA Usa

Single? Married? Neither? Both?

Come to an evening of love songs with Adam Brodsky. Saturday February 14th. 2009. I'll be dusting off the old bitter chestnuts as well as showing you my soft side. either way, you're bound to leave the hizzy richer for the experience. plus, i hardly ever strum this thing anymore, much like nookie itself, when, an opportunity avails, you should carpe the f*** out of that diem.

Note: the show is a house concert in a respectable living room, which is IMO the best way both to give, and to receive a show, and what is VD about, if not, giving and (hopefully) receiving?

if'fn you wanna come out, you should go here for more info or you can email the fine folks at the XFS at

Howdy dorkateers.

Member me?

Quick peek beyond the confines of my spider hole, just long enough to spew some bitter lovelornery ornariaty*, Basically I’m stepping outside to see if the weather is in fact as hope filled as President Dreamsicle says it is...although I didn't particularly like getting yelled at last night...I get it, it sucks to live in Elkhart, IN, you didn't need to interrupt my shows to tell me that. I’ve been there. (That’s where the RV hall of fame is; ask me I have pictures of weird old rigs.)

Ok, so capitalism is about to collapse, your job is hanging by a thread and your 401K has been sliced in half (making it a 200.5E HA!) But I’m here to tell you that that doesn't mean you're off the hook for VD, cause lets face it, F***ing is just about the only thing you can afford to do these days. It's free**, and it will (hopefully) provide at least 8-10 seconds where you won't be gut-churning about how you're gonna pay them bills. So now is not the time to skimp on flowers, and chocolates and merrywidows and handcuffs and astroglide…and most importantly, folk music.

Which brings me to my next salient point.

As you know, there are two kinds of people in the world, them what gots a somebody to squeeze and love, and them what don't. And as we see Washington hastily regress back from Kumbayaton into, well, Washington, It is with great pride that announce my own version of Hermaphroditary***, meaning I am gonna play a show Saturday that has something for everybody, so quite simply, everybody should come.

lets break it down this way, If I was clever enough, and knew more about HTML I’d lay this out like one of those "choose your own adventure" novels, but at the end you'd all end up in a mount airy living room, amongst good people, listing to some dork strum his f***ing heart out.

But, as evidenced by the previous paragraphs (virgin conjugations aside) I'm not clever enough, so try to stay with my as I kick it old school (liniearlyish).

The simplest is, if you are just like me: A pleasant, yet, creepy single dude, with less and less to offer with each passing year. (Yeah, Toby, I'm talking about you)# You'll see these songs as an harmonious conflagration of disdain, whist, projection, and rationalization. I.e. it's not your fault, its them bitches.

Perhaps you are a couple. You are in love, you've been in love for many a year, you'll most likely stay in love. Here is the reason you should come see me dust off the bitter chestnuts of my 20's.

This gig will remind you that even though sometimes when you look over at your sleeping mate and imagine bashing in their skull with that 13 quart stock pot that they inexplicably bought you two birthdays ago, doing that would only make you single, not happy. And seriously, you don't wanna end up old and alone like that spaz up there with the guitar. Straight up, maybe it will happen during "ballad of a skank ho" or perhaps "blow me" or maybe "you turned on me like mayonnaise in the sun" but you'll feel your sweetie squeeze your arm and lay her warm and tender head upon your shoulder, as if to say. “Thanks for not being that guy.” So come to the show. It will do more to strengthen your relationship than a dozen roses and a penile implant.

Perhaps you're a couple who is no longer in love, but right now, moving out, is not an option. Again, like a train wreck, you'll look at me and say, there but for the grace of my sweetie, go I. and the embers of love will congeal into a fiery phoenix of rebirth.

Maybe you're a single lady, who has, to date, perceived her soulmate search as, at best a fruitless endeavor and at worst, an unmitigated freakshow. You have cast off many seemingly flawed young stallions. By the end of the show, you'll be drunk dialing at least two of your exes and leaving messages like "y'know, I think I was a little too critical, I mean it's not like you ever wrote a song about what a c*** I was and then sang it to all my friends while staring directly into my eyes. And another thing, thanks for showering so regularly...Ok, anyway, I was just thinking of you tonight, I hope yer doing well...if you ever want I thought maybe we, hi. Um, I gotta go, he hates it when people make calls during his show"

Seriously, tonight I’m gonna party like it's 1999, Sure I’ll sing the occasional political screed. "Barrack me Obamadaus" "uncivil rights" "The Ballad of John McCain" and I might even dip into the shallow playa of contented love songs for a verse or two, but mostly, it's gonna be and old school night, "Love takes it up the ass" or something.

Or maybe not, as you know I feel that set lists are for the feeble minded, and I’ll just hope the songs come to me in the order that providence would prefer.

But I guarandamntee you that you'll go home happier than when you left your house. Guarandamntee! I will do my part to stimulate your package, Seriously, Nobody comes to a Dork show with a date, and doesn't get laid## It's like taking your girl to see Mask. Any other Eric Stoltz Vehicle and she looks over at you and says "eh." Take her to see Matty Damon, and you're the consolation prize. (Literally a home version of the game) but, I offer so much more.

Anyway, I’ve taken up enough of your valuable time. Go back to work, your job is not as safe as it once was.

If you wanna come to the show, you gots to go here and get the special instructions. But you people seem smart, I'm sure you'll figure it out.

See you at the show.

*Yes, I just made up two words in the very first sentence...but what can you expect on a day as brillig as this today.

**Well, no it's not

***That’s three

#Though, your presence is kinda mandatory, as it's really comforting to know that if I forget a lyric, you've got my hairy back

##Cept the Dork, but he's on the clock.

Saturday, February 07, 2009

We're Due!

I spent my afternoon at a friend's baby shower... And I know I've written about this before, I'll say it again. I LOVE giving gifts - I'm just not so crazy about going to baby showers... where women are invited to sit together, play silly games - and oooh and aaah for hours as the mom to be unwraps piles of gifts. I'd much rather simply bring the gift and have a cuppa with the momma.

So today, I'm at this very large shower of about 40 women - maybe 50. I'm standing in the back with my friend Laurie, who's a 40-something married woman who never had kids.

So there we are - Laurie and me, the 38-year old married woman who never had kids... chatting away about how many baby showers we've been to.

Then it dawned on us... Laurie and I are going to invite all the moms we know to our no-kid shower... Where we should get gifts to say thanks for the years of gift giving we've done. The invitees could simply bring cash or gift cards... Why? BECAUSE WE'RE DUE!